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Nathanial Royale

This was a look into James' mind when Nilec and he were taking over Dire Cry, a look into a man who was breaking inside because of his love for a woman who hated him and only wanted to make him King for the sake of Destiny.

James Red Rose Quele Cross loved her with all his undead heart, but she scorned him so, used him, and he could not understand why...

Every tale has two sides, this is James's.

Warnings: Violence.

---


Why is it her approval matters to me? Means so damn much to me?

An odd thing to be questioning as one rips into and apart brigands with bare hands and claws, but James’s was random at best these days and the lack of water had perhaps fried some of his thought process for good.

She thinks I can rule this land? A country of backward people who kill each other for power, kill each other for the sacred blood that runs through their veins because that is the only water they can find? Nilec my wife you are insane, absolutely crazy. Me? A vampire ruling a desert, can you not see a problem with that?!

A primal growl and James shook himself standing over the body of five men who he had downed, blazing red eyes staring out toward the ruins ahead of him. More would come, flexing his hands, long curved claws scratching at each other as he watched the men in the ruins mount their horses.

Come to me...


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Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Apocalyptica - Nothing Else Matters
 
 
Nathanial Royale
15 July 2010 @ 06:28 pm
This is a companion piece to You are loved.

Nathan in the last four days on Twilight town has come to final realizations that he should have come to years ago


------------

You called me your angel, your sweet angel. I remember you doing that a few other times in the past, its difficult right now to think on this plain, my mind is half on this plain and half in other. This other place is twisted and filled with nightmares, dreams and dying hopes. I think I should know what this place is called but my mind’s shattered edges cut at me when I try to recall anything too far out of grasp. But I must think, I promised Damion I would wait for him and persevere and he is right, there are those at home who need me. My children, my people. What of Vincent? What has befallen my good friend in my absence, Sjel tells him there is a chance he blames himself for what I did. But it was my hands that have the blood not his own, I am tired of people taking the blame for events that they did not do. But yet that is hypercritical, I am the last one to say such words aren’t I? I always blame myself, but I just didn’t want to blame other people, I did not want to hurt or sadden others. My parents, they were only trying to do what they thought best for me...Blinded. Love can blind you so easily.

I can feel hate, I used to deny it, I used to wonder why I couldn’t. But it’s not true, I can, but I have blocked it out deep in my heart. But what has that done for me all this time? I tried to block out anger as well, I have come to realize that both emotions are only just that, emotions like the rest. They can be used for ill or for good, they are immobilizing and invigorating, they can create and they can ultimately destroy. It is not the sword that kills but the man. There is blood on my hands now like everyone else’s, I am no saint. I never have been but this has made me realize I was living in fantasies and dreams of hopes that only a child would keep. I am jaded, abused, torn and shattered. But I am me, and I am loved. So what then is it to say of myself that others love me but I love not myself? How can I say to forgive yourself when I have never been able to? I am a hypocrite. I’m still learning, I have a lot to learn. I have been told I need to grow up and I did not wish to, I wondered why people could not accept me as who I am. But wait...

Age does not change who I am. Why was I afraid of growing up? No one stays a child forever and even so, Zackary is still a child within his heart, but he kills, he protects and he hates. But yet also does he love with a heart as large as my own. I need to take heart from such a lesson, there will always be a child within me, I will always want to help people, always want to love and not harm. But now, I will know that having blood on your hands does not have to change who you are. I will kill again to protect those I cherish the most, for what is life if there is no love? Drefan you tried to set me free and I do thank you, you did it the only way you knew how. You live what you learn, you once said long ago. There is truth and lie to such a statement. You live what you have learned and wish to teach. To love and never have hated is to never have felt true passion, I think I am realizing that now. All emotions are flips of a coin, heads and tails, darkness and light. Anger/Joy, Hate/Love, Pain/Saddness and I have not felt all of those until now. I thank you for what you did for me but I hate you all the same. I am angry at you for the years of my life you stole from me, the dreams and hopes you shattered because you had none yourself. You tried to destroy me, but you made me stronger. You tainted and liberated me. I thank you...and I hate you.

I am growing up, but I’m not afraid anymore. I’m learning to love myself; I am an altruist, and a masochist. I may have been a monster, but I’m now an angel. I was a broken china doll, but now I am someone’s salvation, their hopes and their dreams. I am looking to the future now not the past; I’m going to stop feeling sorry for myself now okay? I never realized by hating myself how much I was hurting people who loved me. I am sorry. Sjel has taught me life and death are sacred, that to kill is not a sin if it is protect the lives of those you love, of innocents. All shall die in their own time, and those who are deserving shall be reborn.

I am going to stay here a little while longer now...But I’ll come home. I gave Damion a promise after all, and someday when Damion comes back to me I will ask for the forgiveness of everyone for the pain I have caused them. I will stop hating myself and hurting others. I will try to forgive myself for the things in my life I cannot change; I will try to love myself through all the pain and all the sadness. I will love, I will hate, I will cry and I will scream. I want to be whole. I want to be worthy and I know that I need to find myself worthy first. So here goes, I’m going to try, I may fail. But what is important is trying right? So yah...here goes nothing.

I’m going to try.
 
 
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Lacuna Coil - Veins of Glass
 
 
Nathanial Royale
14 July 2010 @ 04:57 am
This is a short I did for an KH/FF Rp I am doing with a friend, hence why this happens in Twilight Town. But it does still very deeply pertain to my novel.

Nathanial is physically 14 but mentally 36, as he died at 14 but remained a ghost then on he aged mentally but not physically. He is King of the largest country on my world. Damion is his vampiric lover. Wirual is a fallen Arch Angel that was housed inside of Damion's body for 200 years.

Nathanial has fled his world his mind shattered, he an altruist who has never harmed a living soul just killed hundreds to defend an island from an invasion. He can not reconcile with himself what he has done...


This is a very emotionally intense scene between the two of them finally saying things that they have always wanted to, to each other but never having had the chance before.

Warning: Mention of Death, child abuse, love of a minor...umm well let's just say Adult Content warning for a reason.


---------------

Their hearts were connected. It did not take long for Damion to find the one who he referred to as boychild when he finally went looking; Damion remembered the child’s stories and the dreams, the nightmares and the hopes. The part of his mind that was his own had grasped onto those and held them tightly, using them as a shield to allow himself control when he was around Nathanial. But it had failed so many times and he had killed the child that had been his salvation and his sanity. His sobs when Nathan had died had been true; he had lost the last part of himself that had been redeemable. And now look what had been done...A second chance wasted.


What worried Damion the most about the boy when he came upon where he sat was not the quivering of his form but the location where he had placed himself. Twilight town, Sunset hill. Atop the hill on a bench close to the fenced edge, legs kicking lightly as he starred off over the edge at the green hills. Damion could not see his exact location for his blindness but he could hear the legs kicking, the soft humming and the train as it moved below on the tracks. The boy who was terrified of heights was sitting so close to the edge. He truly did shatter...



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Current Mood: creativecreative
Current Music: Lacuna Coil - Falling Again
 
 
Nathanial Royale
14 July 2010 @ 04:22 am
I was going to close this one down because I have my other journal and a Dreamwidth...

Well. Fuck it.

I need a place to put up monologues, thought streams and snippets for my novel. Random pieces my muses dictate at 2 am in the morning and also just a place to put information pertaining to my world and my novels.


So this is the place.


Update: All old entries that were not novel related in any way were deleted. Tags were gone through and purged as well.
 
 
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: Lacuna Coil Stately Lover
 
 
Nathanial Royale
Drefan's mind.


-------------

Where does your garden grow?
Tell me the secrets that you know
Another time, another place
Where are the holy ones?
Selling the secret to the sun
Welcome to the Universe
Cross the line
Redefine
Lose your mind
Come crawl inside



Powerless, head filled with lies. You believe everyword spewed. Everything, everyone. No thought of your own. Where are the Gods they preach? Where is the love you yearn? You linger on the otherside, still you believe. Why do you not concede? Give in, lose your faith. Lose your love, your life. Does all you live for come down to this? Begin anew. Let me teach. You want to be the one of us who is alive. A matter of a time, step out on the edge of the earth. Dive into the depths of your faith. Look into my face.


Hey, hey
What've you got?
Doesn't matter to me 'cause I don't want them
I'm not the only one



I know you know enough to…I know you know enough to play, to change. Control. Lie. Sold. What is it you live for? Stand their in the desolate and tell me, what do you yearn? What do you love? True. Stand Up! Alone. I’m not the only one who sees the black. Diving deep. Depths untraceable, you can see what lies within. No more lies. The heart does not see truth only the lies before it. Those that are ‘believed’. Ignorance begot by fear. Say it. Say what you so blindly believe. Preach yourself to me. Say it, go on…say it! Say what they are to me! It’s automatic, it’s what you imagine, it is what you believe!



The unified divide
Among and then deny
Now could you kindly cut to the chase?
It's like some other song
Pretty but something's always wrong
Show me the secret ancient sign




The End..it is today. Days divide, you search. Search for a sign, what can they show you? Watch all your friends run and hide. Cycles. You saw what you get when you believe. A feeling you receive when you search for the sign. What can it be? Always wrong, something you find. It’s never enough. Show me what you find, show me what you deny. I know it is not the one, the world will die. You will fail and all will perish. You live for, die for, bleed for, for something within your mind. A fantasy. The fantasy that creates through your eyes, do you see. It’s all a fantasy.



Cross the line
Redefine
Lose your mind
Come crawl inside




Another time, another place, you wont see, blind. Deaf and dumb to all. Washed. It’s all because you believe, lose it. Watch and relearn. No, no, not that. This. The, I open your mind and find someone else. You are not what you say you are. No hate, no lies, no anger. Come inside. Learn anew. See your flaws, and show what you rightfully feel. Hit me. Claw me with your sweet claws…lose all control.



Hey, hey
What've you got?
Doesn't matter to me 'cause I don't want them
I'm not the only one




Entangled in your missing memories, messages of hope. Missions seen. What do I see…Disbelief? Come here with me, cracking. Into the unknown, watch it crumble. There is nothing I want more, no it doesn’t matter. The perish shall begin. Crumble and shatter before the rising of the sun. Hear their screams? Theirs nothing. Nothing more. Imagine if this all came down…I’m waiting for that day to…come…



Hey, hey
What've you got?
Doesn't matter to me 'cause I don't want them
I'm not the only one




Waste of time so precious to begin to disillusion. Did they do you any favors? Pity and forgiveness. Believers. Blasphemy. Hide behind their colored truths, their beautiful little lies. Think about your life, do you want to be different? Try to let go of their truth. The balance of your youth, it was just a game! A lie! An illusion, a delusion. The lie of existence.



See
It's in your eyes
Come break me down
Come break me




Time to forget about the past, hide behind your own empty face. This is still just a game. Hear their screams? Your own, my own? Thoms…believe. Believe that! Everyone watches, release, it builds higher. Remember it is only a game. We are only a game, chess to be played. A lie. A horror picture. To cut short a life that would have perished in the end by another? Is that murder? Is that a sin? Then you are only as blameless as I…Broken, rags, me. You.



Hey, hey
What've you got?
Doesn't matter to me 'cause I don't want them
I'm not the only one



Surrender to nothing. See past your dreams and wishes. Take your place, capture forever. Kill off this thinking. You know your destiny. Your promises, their lies. You run and steal in the night. I promise you, run away. Change yourself. Tell myself I’ll start again. You wont be free, I will follow until you are mine. Join in this fight. No more dreams. The intentions never change, for mine are always the same. Selfish bastard, at least…I’m not alone.



Hey, hey
What've you got?
Doesn't matter to me 'cause I don't want them
I'm not the only one



I wont disappear, I told you once and I’ll tell you again. I want my message read clear. Don’t you understand, it’s infinity. Paths made clear. I'll show you the way, the way. So you run, and hide and tear yourself up inside. Never giving in. Thoughts unbidden of the breaking inside. Lines blurring, thoughts cracking. You knew it was a lie. The world looks so beautiful…until it’s burning away. Look into my eyes. Forget about this all. For you are like I, no longer something of the living. Only a shell of what we once believed.



Hey
What've you got?




Before all your ‘truths’ become lies, till that change, you still will deny. Unity divides, division will unit, for until you crash. Until you lie, until you fight. For to learn, the day you fall, you shall die. This shall be the end of everything at all…You still believe you can save me. I don’t care. When you give, when you have used, until then you shall only lose. For until this how can you truelly believe? Live a thousand times, then perhaps you will see this other-side. This is MY chance. This is MY chance. And I will take it now, if only cause I can. It is my chance now, and I want it NOW.

______________


93 Million Miles and other lyrics that inspired this song was 30 seconds to Mars. Drefan Robert Royale is MINE.

_____________

For you are like I, no longer something of the living. Only a shell of what we once believed....
 
 
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: Hunter- 30secondstoMars
 
 
 
Nathanial Royale
28 September 2008 @ 10:53 pm

This one is my Anatagonist Drefan toward Nathan. Both are mine, copyright, My Novel Characters. *glares and sets on fire*

Bolded is song lyrics. The rest is inner musings.



________________________


Youre too important for anyone
You play the role of all you long to be
But I, I know who you really are
Youre the one who cries when youre alone



You always say you wish to escape from all of the pain. But yet the numbness is the worst. This is where you belong, do you really want to be all they want you to be? Little slave can't you see they are playing with you, making you out to be more then you could ever be? Aren't you tired of acting so strong, why not just give in. Come now am I the monster when it is they who make you the things you hate to be? You know the fall is not as bad as they make it out to be. Come to me...See the shadows. Move inside yourself. See the truth inside the darkness, the maddness. I can stop the pain, but only if I will it all away.


But where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You cant escape
You cant escape


Where is your fields of flowers now? Where are the Gods you wish would save you? They disdain you for every word spoken, for every cry. Their is no chance of saving now what you were, it's gone. Broken, enslaved. You think I hate you, hate what you are and what you stand for. The energies are broken, do I have the will to hate you any longer little boy? You are their now beyond my touch but yet you will never escape. You still can not save what you are, and what you ever were. Don't try to hide, don't close your eyes, don't turn out that light. Do you really know what could be behind you? Immobilized by your fears, soon to be blinded by your own tears. I must will it all away. All away.


You think that I cant see right through your eyes
Scared to death to face reality
No one seems to hear your hidden cries
You're left to face yourself alone



Crying out for a savior, for someone to give a damn. What are you living for? What reasons have you still to keep on crying, scared to death of living but not wanting to die. It feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you can not face the truth. Gods up in your heaven don't give a pity, and you cling to me, tears unbidden. You think your safe in the dark, oh can you not see? You still are crying out for you to be saved from reality. To be allowed your selfish dreams of fantasy. Childish dreams of life lived in paradise. Whispers of voices in your ears, no one cares about your tears.


But where will you go (where will you go)
With no one left to save you from yourself
You cant escape
The truth
I realize youre afraid (I realize)
But you cant abandon everyone
You can't escape
You don't want to escape



Break. Fall and know their will be no one to catch you except me. Know that their is no one else beyond what you see. Your fears are real, but you know you can not run. Will not fall, you just keep on holding on. Such strength the little slave has to keep holding on. You want to run, we know this, we can see. Everyone can see through your dreams, through your destinies. Pretend. Its true the way I feel, was promised by your fate. Even when your not with me, I am with you. You see it even when you close your eyes. When things go wrong just pretend the past isn't real, paint your memories. You can't escape from what has happened. Do you want to escape?

I'm so sick of speaking words that no one understands
Is it clear enough that you cant live your whole life all alone?
I can hear you when you whisper
But you cant even hear me screaming


Fear is only in our minds, taking over all our time. But it's taking over... Your such a poor sweet innocent, dry those eyes and curl up and die. You poor sweet innocent thing, you love to hate me don't you? So noble inside believing so high. But you hate just as much as the rest. Lower yourself, your not the best. Do you wonder why you hate? Are you still too weak to survive your mistakes? To live up to your shames? Can you hear them, can they hear you?



Where will you go (where will you go)
With no one left to save you from yourself
You cant escape
The truth
I realize you're afraid (I realize)
But you cant reject the whole world
You cant escape
You wont escape
You cant escape
You don't want to escape



You wont last. You love the way I look at you when I torture you, you know I will take it all away from you. Act like your someone else. Share what you've been through. Show your shame. You can't hold on. You make me the villian you have never said that one word. All you had to say was that one tiny word. Remember how you tried so hard to get away, yet you always...came crawling back? Does that make me the villian taking advantage of a situation before me? You never said that one word...you stupid little child. You wanted to run away but always came back. Your so afraid, you made your fears truths. Where will you run? Who will shelter you now?

Tell them the truth.
Tell everyone the truth.


You never said.
No.



_________________

Song By Evanescence (Which one I forgot..)
 
 
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: Eiffel 65 - King of Lullaby
 
 
Nathanial Royale
09 January 2008 @ 05:23 am
This is from the point of view of my Novel protagonist after many years of abuse. It is an obscure piece for me, as he is giving into the abuse and beginning to believe that that abuse is what makes him him. It is depressing yes, and that is how I get my own depression out is on paper. It is meant to be obscure refering to incidents and people that are not spoken of otherwise in the piece. It is meant to have an air of obscurity so please do not ask for explanations.


_____________________________________________________________________



Some deny and search for things that never come around
Do I feel like a fool?
The places I have ran to all my life have disappeared
And I owe this all to you




Lost. Wondering. Where is home?  Home is where those who care about you are... That is not where I am, yet where am I? The streets begin to blur... Who are you? Which one are you? How many have I...today? What has caused me to be here? You. I am here in this place that blurs, that does not seem real for you. Everything. You. Always the same. Blurring streets or blurring sheets. Gangs or chains. Yet I walk away. This anger that is so deeply buried in my soul, I bury it yet deeper and walk away. I stare up at you knowing you have destroyed me. Fool. I am. Yet I do not fight, is this what you hate? Do you fear you will never feel? I'm offering peace yet stabbed in the back. I've tried to hate you, But all I feel is regret.



I'm feeling like I'm sinking
And nothing's there to catch me, keep me breathing




I am suffocating on your hate, your anger. Your actions. Hate and anger are not evil...it is the actions thus that are the sin. I am no longer breathing..have you finally killed me? Facing death straight on..it is not as others fear. It is that reclusive light beyond the darkness that you never allow me to reach.Their must be something you can do about this pain, and surely you know that the acid behind your words begins to eat your soul away? Lost. You believe yourself already lost. So you keep me away, never allow me to free. All I wish is to not fail you. You say you failed Thom..that you will not fail me. But I am failing you...



What do I have to do?
Why can't this hurt be through?
I'm going head unto
Something I know I will fail
Why can't this kiss be true
Why won't you please let me through?
I don't understand why you always push me away




Tired of the numbness, yet tired of the pain. I try to take my life into my own hands, but you say that I am to weak..'Weak..that is all you will ever be'. Love. Every action done by love. Done for love. Done through love. Love is pure...what has been done..what you tarnished... You say you know what it feels to be within me, what it is like to have every night judging you. I believed this once long ago. No hate in my heart, only pity, only love. Never did I believe that would change. Yet why can I never be whole to you? Not a rag doll?  Hold you in my arms and hold you in my eyes, everything I was, and ever well be...Will never be enough.  What will you do..what will you get when I begin to suddenly slip away? Every deal we make, singing even with my dying breath. I resurrect your soul, I will protect you.


The last thing I would like to do before I go away
is cry there next to you (next to you)
Cry and talk about the good old days and where they've gone
And now how much I hate you




These tears, they are not for the pain. Not even for the loss. They are for you. For us. For everyone, for everything. For the gods we've suffered for, for so long. For the future that we spurned. Do you blame me? I was a child..I am a child still. Half grown. One that was innocent, ignorant to the world and it's sins. I did not know...you know that I wish I had. That I could have stopped that man. Then why must you do what he did to me? Nails in your hands, like a mytar, abused and defiled. Chained instead, yet the same, tarnished. Me. You do the same to me? To free me you say? I used to pity you, wish to have helped you. Mold you to the man you could have been. But I can't..and I hate that. You will not let me. Speak with me...tell me again, what made you the man that shines so polished, yet is seething and broken inside.



What do I have to do?
Why can't this hurt be through?
I'm going head unto
Something I know I will fail
Why can't this kiss be true
Why won't you please let me through?
I don't understand why you always push me away




You need a reason to believe, a reason to deceive. Yet everything makes perfect sense to you, and you say you understand the loneliness and fear inside. Come inside...the cabaret has just begun. Can you hear them now? The silence surrounding, judging me? Don't you think it is time you left me be? You need a way to go along, a way to carry on. Your old enough to know the outcome, you know what has been done. More blood, it's always the same. Screams. Lies. Filth. Tarnished. I'd rather be dead then carry on, when you take it away. Humanity. Humility. Watch my soul dive deep inside, a place where it can hide. Yet you never let go. No. Drifting inside, no affection, no addiction. It is not like you to hold back..perhaps this time you knew. Silence is what kills. No screams, no lies. Now in my head. This sordid game, hide my shame. Standing at the edge here, enough for me to hover...



I feel the blood drip off my body as it falls right there
on the ground
What am I now?




So long this time was wasted ripping me apart, So come on and play, Stab me in my heart.  You like the blood... My time is over, this time is over, re-animate the hurt inside your head. Can we never get enough? It's a trained response. You have trained well. Lost in the void of what is dead, You constantly twist things I said. So in the end. Happiness is boring, we need pain instead. Face your lies, stand up strong. I may cower under the whip but never before you. Hold on, be strong, your so right, so wrong. All your defenses, all your senses, Show no mercy. Blunt your knife, pull the curtain, the show is finished. These impulses you must refrain, you fear his name. Somebody carry on with this burden, for I have fallen. I can't remember anything, I can't be certain, lying on the floor.



What am I now?
What am I now?




I'm torn away from you and everything that's close to me withers away. I cannot face the truth this once, it's nothing that I believe. Crawling on the floor, all over the place, talking to myself. Enough you see, I kiss you and I'm dead. So shut up and do it to yourself, In your head my blood runs red. Cut the cord. Dissected. Resurrected. Still don't know why. What's a virtue? Where do you go to when you're hurting? You wrote it, now believe it. It's in your soul because you sold it. You read the book and and agree with it. Betrayal. You're the infection.



What do I have to do?
Why can't this hurt be through?
I'm going head unto
Something I know I will fail
Why can't this kiss be true
Why won't you please let me through?
I don't understand why you always push me away




Going on and on believing I could find my place. What is this thing I've got to face? Has it all been a waste? Come take me. You ripped your own self in two, and you know I had nothing to do. With what's been done. You know that you can't..and yet you can. It's starting over, starting over. Guess you want me to stay. Hate to interrupt the flow...You rape, let's switch. Almost am a ghost of who I used to be, what will you do when this beauty turns to dust? Always aware that I am you, Nothing could be more certain. This isn't the time, the place for us to understand this life. And I'm sorry If I don't believe, with the evidence that I see, that their is any hope left for me. And I do not dare deny, In the deepest part of me, this seed of purity is blinding me. Never meant to fight. What it is to be at peace? I do not understand why God would put me here, I loved, I lived. Tried to be good. Yet my world is taken away. All that is left is pain. All of this time was for nothing, an unknown enemy. My Soul. My Blood Runs.


"Don't let me go, Don't ever let me go, no. Never never let you go. I'll never let you go."


_____________________________________________________


Nathanial - MINE

Kiss - belongs to Korn



Nathanial and all he was speaking of belongs to me. All other characters mentioned inside are also mine. NO COPYING.
 
 
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: Korn - Killing
 
 
Nathanial Royale
17 November 2007 @ 08:55 pm

This is from Nathanials point of view once more. It is something...he wishes to see, to speak even if only to himself. But has been unable to build the courage. Yes I (the writer) am in a small fit of depression, I write best when depressed, what can I say. Do not take the writing personally into life it is fiction and his words not my own. This is ment for his eyes and perhaps one others, though that person is fictional as well. This is fiction.

________________________________________________________________________________________



Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
Sealed with lies through so many tears
Lost from within and persuing the end
I fight for the chance to be lied to again


Were these invisible chains my own concoctions? Was this all something to remind me of my past and bind me to this world? Did I want to remember so badly the pain and the fear? The agony of never knowing how much longer I would last...Would I see the sun in it's rising? Was I to see another day through numbed to the world except for when he made me feel....It was never for the pleasure...it was for the feeling. Better to run my fingers down the knives, the slicing and parting of skin, blood dripping down to hit my feet. Starring in a haze at the blades upon that wall, that black wall of memories. Black and red, black for it's eternity and blood red for the feelings. How after so long I needed the chance to feel again, that hopeless chance to have something back within the crevice that is my heart.


You will never be strong enough
You will never be good enough
You were never conceived in love
You will not rise above

Never the power to say what is meant, alluding to the truth when I am terrified. Your standing their before me with that smile, waiting for any words from my lips but they seem swollen shut with fear. Oaths, vows and promises tie close, respect and admiration keeps apart. Words left unsaid as we travel on towards nothing. Numb to all but how I know you are hurting for me...I do not understand. You seem only to see what is wrong when I finally feel that I am doing something right. No longer afraid, I can not seem to rise...In my forest of shadows, with the the world dissapearing. Give me a reason, to believe you wish to stay forever here with me... My love. Softly spoken words that are a death of their own. 


They'll never see
I'll never be
I struggle on and on to feed this hunger
Burning deep inside of me

All I'm living for, All that I'm dieing for... What is my purpose? What is the point, my destiny? Understanding me, after all I have seen. Life, sacred yet not the end. Death is the beginning, can you not see? All that I long for is a way to make it easier, I move on waiting now. Strength to go towards the end, I struggle with this bitterness, this helplessness. Spiraling towards the blackened sky, no one to catch me as I fall. I am but a puppet, and I allow the strings their pulling, my motions robotic and controlled. The tiny smile, the soft laughter rolling off my lips is the only real me any have ever seen. Hiding with the mask what is inside of me. Fascade. Acting, performing for the masses that expect perfection. The hands reaching, grasping, choking what is left of this shell. 


But through my tears breaks a blinding light
Birthing a dawn to this endless night
Arms outstretched, awaiting me
An open embrace upon a bleeding tree


You. I'm broken, I'm open and not strong enough. The radiance of the coming dawn, is that what you are called? Apedt. How long now have we traveled, me on your shoulders, holding your hand or in someway always connected. Even when held by another always with you. Moments of silence to many, losing now... Unaquited fears, lost courage and I end up with another. A hand to the skin, could their really be? Was their life within? Yet... that word I heard, oftened, a mistake perhaps? No..even I am not big enough a fool. 'Dad'. Though time had been stopped, I have ever been close to the movement of the world, of the Gods. You did not think I noticed your absence though time did not move for us? The link had died...the connection that filled me with...feeling. Left bleeding and wondering where...when even. Now..have I right to tear you from what you somewhere had? A son?



Rest in me and I'll comfort you
I have lived and I died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you
I will never forsake you


Live for yourself. How many times have I been told that? Yet this same lesson..have you been taught it? You seem to never wish to leave..and I begin to take you for granted. I'm screaming inside that I am sorry..yet what am I sorry for? What have I done? I am only living out what was intended..I have no say can you not understand? Can you forgive me again? You were once my friend, I never ment to hurt you... But this path is not two sided, it is one way street to where I had told you it would lead. Sense the beginning you knew..and so did I. My words comforted neither, for we did not adibe..


They'll never see
I'll never be
I struggle on and on to feed this hunger
Burning deep inside of me

The King I was meant to be...what is destiny? A puppet show where every road with every fork leads to the same conclusion. I will die. The kingdom saved, the heir born and I will depart, my role upon this stage finished. I was but a pawn to be played against the Gods. Banish the evil and save the day... No the pawn, the prophet, 'the boy', need not himself be saved. Roles for once I wished reversed, the power I want to see. Can I not have it within me? All I do is for this end, to stop the helplessness. I'd do anything to to set you free..but yet deep inside of me, I still know I would be lost. Wondering the black skies insearch of that burn, that feeling...


Rest in me and I'll comfort you
I have lived yet died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you
I will never forsake you


I have moved on towards the end of the world, don't cling to me..I swear I can not fix you, still within the dark you try to fix me. Freefall..If you love me..let go of me.. I wont be held down by who I used to be..who you see. I know you don't believe in me, safe in the dark, oh can you not see? Changing, destroying, creating...Grafting. Strength..perverse...Grace at the cost of life, strength and courage at the cost of humanity. What am I to you now? You know your not the only one...who sees me crashing down. Lost and weeping, all my life I've been waiting...All my life...not beliving that light would shine down on me. Your so afraid of opening your eyes, hypnotized. What are vows, promises and oaths when all is said and done? I'm not the only one that is dieing inside.


They'll never see
I'll never be
I struggle on and on to feed this hunger
Burning deep inside of me

Bleeding. Tainted. Sick and so very tired... All the lies, I'm not beliving, don't look into my eyes. Right or wrong I can not hold onto this...I do not feel real. And you still wont hear me.... Don't hold my hand, maybe this time I will save myself. Just when I thought I had reached the bottom...defeated. I've died again. I've got to break through, blurring the truths and the lies. Confusing the thoughts in my head so I can not trust myself anymore... I would die again. You. Scream at me, I wont be broken again. Die. I'm dieing again, I don't really care... Just once in my life, you'd think it would be nice. Lose control and just try..Sacred.......whore. Yours. If I cut you, I fear their would nothing left of you. I lie inside myself for hours and watch you over me. I linger in the doorway...if you need to leave the world..lay your head down upon me. I'm waiting.

"I will die. But when I leave this world..lay your head down...But go on."


_________________________________________________


Lies -  Evanescence
Nathanial - Mine





 

 

 

 

Tags:
 
 
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: Whisper - Evanescence
 
 
Nathanial Royale


 

If I could put Nathanials last 5 minutes to a song...I believe this would be it. No, this death is not by his hand, this is his 'Destiny', his death at 16 two days after his 16th birthday, his son being a little under two years old. His husband allowing him to go on (die) because he can bring himself to turn the A.I.D's ridden boy into a vampire.



___________________________________________________________________



 Hold it together.
Birds of a feather.
Nothing but lies and crooked wings.
I have the answer.
Spreading the cancer.
You are the faith inside me. 



I am still whole, cracked, yet whole.

After all I have seen, all I have been is it time?

After the faith I have kept inside, the prayers I have prayed.

The spreading of my decay.

No more lies twisted to truth, no more unanswered questions.

Is it finally time?

 


No, Don't, leave me to die here.
Help me survive here, alone.
Don't Remember!
Remember!

Can I not at least have an audience?

Someone watching that perhaps really would wish for me to remain?

Memories of embracing arms, even in the lonelinest nights.

I would like that now, no more memories, just one caress.
 


Put me to sleep, Evil Angel.
Open your wings, Evil Angel. (Ahhh)

I have waited this long, I've always wanted it clean.

Can I have that last request?

For once in my life...No Pain?
 


I'm a believer.
Nothing could be worse.
All these imaginary friends.
Hiding betrayal.
Driving the nail.
Hoping to find a savior.

 

I have always believed, unfaltering.

When others tell me I am crazy for things they can not see.

I hide you all from them, is it selfish?

They try to drive home how you do not exist.

Perhaps truelly, I am insane.

Yet..I have never been able to stop seeing.

 


No, don't, leave me to die here.
Help me survive here, alone.
Don't Surrender!
Surrender!

Come here, watch me.

Don't just walk away, I am worth more then that.

I have not given in to the calling of my name.

Don't you see how long I have been waiting?



Put me to sleep, Evil Angel.
Open your wings, Evil Angel. (oohh)
Fly over me, Evil Angel.
Why can't I breathe, Evil Angel?

Years have gone by, the scars a tale.

Will you help me achieve this?

I have held on, I have not cried out.

Yet why now do I wish it all undone?



Put me to sleep, Evil Angel.
Open your wings, Evil Angel. (oohh)
Fly over me, Evil Angel.
Why can't I breathe, Evil Angel?

Make it fast, not just for me.

The time is now, I can feel it slipping away.

Then why now do you look at me this way?

Like after the entirety...You could love me?



____________________________________________________________________




Evil Angel - Breaking Benjamin
Nathanial - Mine


 

 

 

 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Breaking Benjamin